April 8, 2013
Today is going to be a great day…I hope. I feel good. I feel that all the good things that have happened recently are still in affect. My hope is that the aftermath of such good things will continue throughout the next few days if not the rest of my week?…please, God? Like the other day I was driving home from my Krav Maga class listening to some of my Electronic/Dubstep (Justice, Daft Punk, Glitch Mob… to name a few) wishing I could learn to mix music and how awesome it would be if I could use my dad’s newest keyboard. The next day, He said he was going to sell it unless I wanted to use it. I said, “YES!” CRAZY, right?!
Other good things happened yesterday as well – well good and bad. I let Milo, my pet mouse, go. I walked him down to the lake in my neighborhood and let him scamper off my hand. He wasn’t happy in his tiny cage. And I couldn’t bare to see him struggling against a cage. He would run around his cage chewing on the metal bars, shredding the rubber casing. Even though I had bought a larger three-story cage, He was unhappy and started going crazy and potentially became aggressive. I bought two new mice thinking they would help him settle down but he only became aggressive towards the tan one. So I set Milo free and then the new white mouse kept beating up on the tan one all night. I woke up six times to a screaming mouse and had to separate them. I packed up the two mice and returned them, getting my $9 back. I had only gotten the mice as a replacement for what I had really wanted…a bunny. Crazy I know, I have a cat. A CUDDLY cat at that (rare). But she is independent and I understand that desire …more than she knows. So I got a mouse. And then I got two mice. And then I had none.
While I was at the pet store I noticed a woman was adopting out rescued bunnies. What a chance! They are probably insanely expensive considering many domestic rabbits are (they are considered exotic pets). THEY WEREN’T! $60 for a bunny, a cage, a water bottle, and a food bowl. They had been fixed and were all friendly and handleable…well MOST of them were. They were going like hotcakes. I couldn’t take my eyes off them as I stood in line, which of course moved like molasses on a hot day. My time came to return my squabbling mice all the while I kept hoping there would still be that beautiful black and white spotted Lionhead Bunny left over for …me? #pretty-please? God smiled on me yesterday. Thank you, Lord. I got my bunny. His name was Charlie. He is adorable, but I don’t know if I want to keep that name or not…Any suggestions? His face is like one of those ink blotched psychiatric cards that psychiatrists hold up and ask you what you see. Each black blotch is mirrored by the one on the other side of his face. He is SO brave and he loves my cat. My cat could do without him but she seems happier with him in my room (Three is Company?) I love them both. It cracks me up when Bunny tries to cuddle with Bella (my cat) and she does what scardy cats do and jumps then scampers away frantically as if the Bunny is out to get her. She cracks me up. =) The only thing I need to work on with Bunny is holding him. He doesn’t like being held. He has trust issues….kind of like Bella did…does. Kinda like me.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m every truthful with anyone. Face-to-face I find myself struggling to open up and be honest. I avoid eye contact. I shift my weight nervously. Is this anxiety? Fear of being judged? Probably. I can believe the fear of being judged. I should look that up. What would that phobia be called? …Judge-a-phobia? or would that be the fear of judicial authority? 0.o
THANK you Wikipedia! “Social phobia or social anxiety”. I should be a shrink. Then maybe I could prescribe for myself a vacation with my boyfriend to…anywhere I wanted to go.
So I have a social phobia – the fear of social interactions. I am socially anxious when around others. Afraid they judge me for being me. Afraid of being accepted or critiqued or criticized on how I act. I’m not afraid of being called out on it though…if I were I would be afraid of public humiliation….my fear has nothing to do with that because no one ever does call me out they just judge me silently in their heads ……then decide to interact with me further or not. Mostly not. I think THAT is where my problem lies. I don’t want to be fake to get people to want to hang out with me. I’m not socially pliable – yet society today (WASHINGTON, you liberal crazies) encourages this…but they don’t accept it or embrace it.
Can you say, CONUNDRUM?
On another note, I think I can really connect with the Chinese culture. Their painters just painted landscape because they wanted to paint something beautiful. NOT because they had some other weird agenda to push or some DEEP message to present to others but simply because Mountains, flowers, trees, and rivers are BEAUTIFUL – Americans are such sponges. They always seek to read into things. And people think I over think things. I’d like to learn more bout Chinese heritage and maybe even the Chinese language.