May 16th, 2013

So I realize that I haven’t talked to you recently…and the last time I said anything to you it was to laugh at an old Chinese poem that radiated sexual innuendos…or not.

BUT, I would like to put all that abandonment and inappropriate humor behind us. Today is my birthday! (I will catch you up…)

1) There were a few days–okay a few weeks–where I felt very alone. I got up in the morning, got dressed, edited a paper I would write the night before, grab some loose foods that do not require refrigeration to eat on the go, and would sit through my classes then wait for my bus, return home, go to work, or just stay home and do the process all over again. Sometimes, most of the time, I would attend other activities; club meetings, school group meetings, volunteer work, a second job…never did I get time to relax and enjoy any of it.

At this point I think I start to feel tired of it. So I started slipping. I didn’t write my papers as early so I’d be starting them the night before–earlier in the quarter I at least had the discipline to brainstorm, outline, and begin my papers. Now, I just prefer to procrastinate because I anticipate thinking. SO haaaarrrrddd……or is it?

I noticed, again, that I was critiquing myself too harshly. I wouldn’t let my ideas flourish or atleast take their CHANCE against my professors via an essay assignment; I was/am too afraid of how they will grade me on my ideas. Points will be taken away because I didn’t get too specific for them–but heres the things: My ideas ARE specific to ME. How do I display them as the deep intriguing subjects that I find them to be to other people? It is so hard to be a different thinking in a society that bases a lot of their knowledge on what someone thought before them.

Maybe Einstein felt this way. Maybe Edgar Allan Poe felt this way–or by chance, maybe even Van Gogh felt this way–which inevitably lead to his suicide…Nooooo, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t have the stomach for it, but my point remains the same.

People with my perspective are often misunderstood. People with my perspective are often [slightly] mentally different…People with my perspective–a different perspective–were alienated and lonely.
I may not have the mathematical understanding like Einstein did, or the visual perspective Van Gogh illustrated in his crazy paintings, nor the literary power of Poe…but I know I have something different and I’m going to make it work. I’m going to do whatever I feel I should do because I know there is a reason. I believe I’m a different thinker for a reason.

My goal now is to discover how Einstein, Poe, Van Gogh…and even Steve Jobs,
HONED their powers and worked to their advantage. I am a musician. I am an artist. I am a communicator. And I am an animal person. What can I do with the combination of those?

Any ideas? Careers come to mind? I need a target to hit, the space to think, and the inspiration to stimulate my mind. Right now, I’m only slowing myself down. I need to clean my slate and plate so I can continue to create.

Writing this blog helps me think. I’m glad I have you. Thanks =0 Maybe now I can enjoy my birthday. I was pleased people wished me happy birthday–I think my boyfriend should have been the first, though. And I wonder how many people would have gone out of their way to wish me a happy birthday if Facebook didn’t remind them. BUT I shouldn’t think about that. I should write my paper.

Til later!


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