April 10, 2013
I wasn’t at the top of my game this morning when I woke up. It probably had something to do with staying up late to “relax” by watching a few (4) episodes of “Breakout Kings” the night before. I took my time waking up and getting ready for school. It’s Wednesday, which means I have one class at 9:30 am – Art History. I enjoy this class and like listening to the professor – Jerome Silbergeld, but I felt horrible about myself for not having finished any reading. Now I have so much to do and I am feeling mentally lazy. The good news is I finally got the Chinese Painting Style book from the UW book store. I originally ordered it from Amazon.com but it never came. The other good/bad news is that for English we have progressed from hard-to-understand Rousseau to Charles Kingsley’s “Water Babies“. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy a little mind boggling vocabulary vomit now and then, but reading a page makes me sleepy. I think my mental endurance has slacked during the past three months. In short, I’m [semi] looking forward to reading something a little more fantastical even if Rousseau advises against it. Who cares what he thinks?…he’s dead anyways.
The MAIN reason for my poor state – probably what has even enticed me to write a post today – was the event at my boyfriend’s place, I got to my boyfriend’s apartment after class and the first thing out of his mouth when he sees me is not a word of greeting or even a smile but a sound of disgust. In fact, I’m quite certain he groaned – and we aren’t talking about a groan of pleasure or positive anticipation. We’re talking about the kind of groan a class room full of junior high students give when they hear about their next essay they have to write…or better yet – POP QUIZ!!! That groan.
So this contributed to my mood almost instantly. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he wasn’t expecting me. Obviously his pleasure [or lack OF] in seeing me is directly dependent on whether or not he likes me in that moment. I understand he is an introvert…but even when I am in an introversive state of mind, if I see someone I love or even remotely LIKE or enjoy the company of I do not recall ever groaning with displeasure at seeing them.
My logic later in the car, since I was there instead of in his apartment due to this exchange, was something along the lines of it not making sense of his actions – that he would find it invasive of me to be in his apartment without notifying him when he’s been in my mouth. Where does the line of intimacy, trust, or respect stop and start? Doesn’t this seem slightly backwards? Is this society or me or him? Is there an “all of the above” option? To justify my view point further, I’d like to disclose the fact that he gave me a key to his apartment. If I have a key, doesn’t that imply him knowing I would come over? I want you to know that I recognize that each couple has the way they work together – or dont – and I also reognize that perhaps this is an instance in which one person has it in their mind how the relationship is and the other has it figured out a different way. The two ways of thinking are not equal and need to be discussed. Also, we had intended to meet up after my classes…I’d thought. Granted, the event we were to attend together wasn’t suppose to occur until 6pm and this was happening around 12pm. …But knowing myself and knowing him I can understand this as a simple mood adjustment on BOTH our parts [regardless of my admitting this now, I still want to vent about it].
So I was irritated further in my daily exchanges due to this. I told him several times I could leave and go to the library, he made [what I consider] martyrish excuses that I could stay. My understanding behind this is because he didn’t want to make me feel bad….too late.
“I can go if you want me to, Hon.” I said.
“No, no. Stay.” he replied.
[I continued to insist it won’t make me feel bad if he prefers to be alone. Honest truth. At this point, I’d already felt hurt from just his non-verbal communication as I walked through the door. Hearing him be honest with me would have improved my mood.]
I continue to insist on my openness to leaving and going to the library. He makes un-convincing persuasion to tell me it’s okay to stay. I, doubtful of his honesty in his being open to my remaining there, decide to leave anyways. He simply replies with, “okay” – notably more upbeat at THIS than with his trying to "convince" me to stay. Irritating….
In the car, I did my best not to blame him. Im not hormonal either ad I try to excuse him with being under alot of stress at work (even though he is working on his day off) and I woke up with minimal sleep. My solution is to meet him at the location of our event later rather than returning to his apartment to carpool. I know, unless he confronts me with some sort of resolution or apology, I will not be in the state of mind to listen, agree, or enjoy myself around him – even if he IS someone I love, like, or ENJOY being around in general. Hypocrite.
Instead I am content with wandering around Bellevue, enjoying the scenery, reading, studying, and walking through petco examining the rodents, birds, and reptiles they keep there in unbreezed cages that stink of urine and frustration. [Those mice look so happy with their wheels, but I guarentee you they are taking turns trying to run each other over just to end their miserable entrapment.] Pity-party – mice and pouting females welcome.
Okay, I admit, Im a little…dark today. It could be the rain…but its sunny now! So I can’t blame that. Perhaps it’s just my foul wake up call this morning. Or the fact that I feel I have failed my most recent family member in trusting me to hold him. Last night I dropped Charlie (my new baby bunny) because he was squirming relentlessly. I lost my grip and he flopped onto the floor. He doesn’t trust me. However, he flopped over onto his back [purposfuly] in his cage which means he is content and happy there….I am seeing now that he is a weakness of mine. I am more concentrated on obtaining the trust of a long eared mammal than I am of receiving an A in my classes. I did so well the first week….typical.
Maybe my attitude will improve if I take a hike in the sun to Petco and search the cages for a less death-determined or pity-seeking soul – someone who is enjoying themselves – to rub some of that happiness and sunshine off on me. Anyone? Anyone?
P.S I wish I were in the 20’s enjoying Romance and Jazz music. Listening to Etta James and Ella Fitzgerald….I wore my KingKong 20’s hat today. It made me feel cute =) i’d hoped my boyfriend would have complimented me on it….all I got was a groan. <—the root of my irritation, right there.